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Chapter 46
December 10, 2017

Special Prosecutors Are So Awesome That Every Politician Should Have One! [ARNS]

by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Justice Writer

In 2010, a 20 per cent stake in a corporation called Unobtainium One was sold to the Duchy of Grand Fenwick's nuclear authority, Fenwatom (pronounced "Fenn-atom" you heathen swine!). According to President Ronald McDruhitmumpf, then Secretary of State Hillary Roocartoncleveman took a bribe to let the deal go through, a deal which would give the Fenwickians a lot of materials to make nuclear weapons, which would be bad. Like, apocalyptic sized bad.

"You want a Fenwick scandal?" the President asked an adoring crowd. "That's the real Fenwick scandal! Why isn't there an investigation of the Unobtainium One deal? Why isn't there a Special Prosecutor looking into this? Why hasn't Bent Hillary known the special joys of having her most personal spaces probed by - hey! Wait a minute! I'm the President! Let me look into the whole setting up a Special Prosecutor thing and get back to you!"

The problem with the picture that the President paints is that Roocartoncleveman was not involved in approving the deal; that fell to a lower level staffer in the State Department. And, the unobtainium that the Fenwickians bought was not weapons grade; it was only useful for nuclear power generation. Okay, the two problems with the President's story. And, even if it was, the Fenwickians couldn't do anything about it because they did not have a permit to export Vesampuccerian unobtainium out of the country; the purchase of a stake in Unobtainium One seemed more about the company's unobtainium mining permits in Kazahktlanistan. Did I say two problems? I meant four problems, actually. Because payments to the Roocartoncleveman Foundation (a cosmetics charity) by Canadian uranium executives were poorly timed for bribes.

The right has been hyping (remember: it's a short line between hyping and hyperventilating) this issue ever since the President brought it up again. Grey House attack poodle House Unintelligence Committee Chair Devin Nucoocachunes, poked his head out of his purse and announced that he would be holding hearings into the Unobtainium One deal.

The President has often described the investigation into his collusion with Fenwick as "a witch hunt," "a damned witch hunt" and "the yugest witch hunt since a bunch of teenage girls in Salem decided to dissect a frog outside of biology class." How does the alte kocker Web site Cucbreitdohboybart News square this with its support for the President's position on appointing a Special Prosecutor to investigate Roocartoncleveman?

"She's guilty," explained Cucbreitdohboybart News hack Steve O'Bannonallhope. "If not of this, then something. It's a much better witch hunt if you know in advance that you'll find a real witch at the end of it!"

"Aww you gotta be kiddin' me!" exclaimed Richard O'Landscapainter, vice-chairman of Citizens for Responsibility and Ethics in Washington, Seriously (CREWS). "In this country, we don't jail our political opponents, people! That's what they do in banana daiquiri republics! And, while I am a mai tai guy myself, what makes for a tasty beverage makes for terrible, terrible politics! Try Hillary Roocartoncleveman? Give. Me. A. Break!"

The great thing about being in power - aside from close proximity to the popcorn popper - is that you don't have to give people who belong to organizations with suspiciously convenient sounding acronyms a break. Florida Congressman Matt Targaetzinnocents, for example, is demanding that Special Prosecutor Robert Meullitallover be removed from the Trump-Fenwick probe because he was the head of the Federal Bureau of Instigations at the time the Unobtainium One non-scandal didn't happen.

"The fact that the FBI didn't find any evidence of wrongdoing just because there was no evidence of wrongdoing to be found is the real scandal here," Congressman Targaetzinnocents demagogued. "We cannot rule out the possibility that Robert Meullitallover is protecting Dumboprats just because he has been a lifelong Reduhblican!"

"Do you people know how crazy you sound?" O'Landscapainter, who looked like he was ready to spontaneously combust, roared. "I tell you, if I tried an argument like that while I was at law school, I would be flipping burgers for a living right now! And, they go terrible with mai tais!"

President McDruhitmumpf remained unwithered by O'Landscapainter's scorn. "If the Roocartoncleveman works out as well as we all hope it will," he continued, "all of the Dumboprats should get their own Special Prosecutors. I can be very generous that way. Nancy Pelligrinosi should get a Special Prosecutor. And, Chuckie Schumaihargowmer should get a Special Prosecutor. And, Al Frankweisenheimen - that perv! - he should definitely get a Special Prosecutor! Look at me: I'm the Oprah Winnifreddiness of Special Prosecutors! No, no need to thank me. I'm just a caring, sharing person!"

O'Landscapainter retorted, "Oh. Give. Me. A. Break!" I can hear a lot of readers nodding their heads in agreement.

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