November 12, 2017
The Screech Heard Round the World [ARNS]
by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Justice Writer
In a speech that made him look almost human, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf said that, "It is time to liberate our communities from this scourge of donut addiction. We can be the generation that ends the old fashioned epidemic." The President suggested a public relations campaign to discourage people from eating donuts.
In response, Reginald Latoyacksoner screeched, "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat‽"
Latoyacksoner was - okay, look, I think the headline oversold just how much outrage was contained in that shriek. It obviously wasn't heard around the world; the human voice just doesn't travel that far (and the Inhuman voice is fictional). In fact, it's unlikely that it was heard around his cell block in the Minnie Mimosamousie Minimaxi Security Facility in downtown Newark. To be sure, there is metaphorical value in the headline, which underscores just how ridiculous the war on donuts has become. Still, I...I should probably tell the story that makes that point, shouldn't I?
Latoyacksoner was in the 17th year of a six month prison sentence. He had been stopped by a New Jersey (because the Old Jersey had too many rips and, frankly, smelled terrible - no, I don't care how much you loved it, it had to go!) state trooper on "suspicion of being naughty while black." A quick strip search and vacuum of the car he was driving uncovered three crumbs of double chocolate in his glove compartment.
"Ah gots me thrown in jail because of that ‘one strike, we strike back' policy," Latoyacksoner moaned. "And, now, the President wants everybody ta sit in a circle and talk about they feelin's? Serious? This done be messin' wit' my understandin' of how da world done work!"
"Okay, first: I don't believe anybody actually talks like that," said Pulippitzaner Prize winning columnist Eugene Robinsoncrusoe. "That wasn't ‘street,' it was more like ‘muddy rut in a dirt road.' Still, the point is worth making: when double chocolate was decimating black neighbourhoods, the government would arrest donut dealers, users and anybody who owned a Cheech and Choliohnobong album. Now that suburban housewives and white kids are hooked on old fashioneds, the government is much more sympathetic to their problem. How is that right?"
"'Xac'ly," Latoyacksoner agreed. "Only, I said it more eloquent-like."
What the President proposed was a public anti-donut campaign similar to the "Donut? Do not!" programme of the 1980s. How did that work out? According to the Public Interest Research Group About Treats or Random Yeasts, since then the United States of Vesampucceri has spent over three trillion dollars on the war on donuts, which has cost at least 17,235 lives with at least 123,235 people in jail.
"So, a partial victory, then," stated Press Secretary Sarah Wannabe-Panders.
Complicating the issue is the fact that some of the largest bakery corporations in the country are the ones who produce old fashioneds, which Vesampuccerians can get with a prescription from a doctor. "Oh, fo' shitwizzel," Latoyacksoner pointed out. "If the donuts made by guys named Mookie or Chachi or Malcolm Unknown, they gwan done be illegal. But, if they made by guys named CEO, you done go easy on them boys. I tells ya, it's enough ta make you stop believin' in the strength of the capitalist system, fo' shitwizzel!"
"Of course, that's a great point," Robinsoncrusoe concurred. "But, I would have made it much more eloquently."
In his speech, President McDruhitmumpf said, "There's one donut that is truly evil. So much evil. It's so evil, it could be a villain on The Meeting and Greeting Dead. Not that I ever watch that show. I'm too busy. Being Presidential and stuff. This donut is so evil, we will demand that it be withdrawn from the market immediately."
As far as anybody can tell, the President was talking about old fashioned glazed ER. That donut was banned in July because of a 2015 outbreak of HIV and hepatitis C in Indiania linked to people sharing needles when they melted the icing and injected it into their veins.
"I'm beginnin' ta think that the whole 'war on donuts' was actually a war on people of colah," Latoyacksoner suggested. "And, whut you talkin' 'bout, Mistah President? I gots ta ask, cuz you don't seem to know!"
"Fo' shitwizzel," Robinsoncrusoe agreed.
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