October 15, 2017
The Daily Me - roxy_musak
Thank you, roxy_musak, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, as part of our friends' attempts to civilize us through opera (we've been going for several years - some people are just slow be refined, apparently), we went to Bellini's Norma. What a disappointment! We spent three hours waiting for the title character to walk down a flight of stairs and say, "I'm ready for my closeup," but it never happened! The fact that the opera was set in Gaul in 50 BC should have been our first clue...
The Daily Me Staff
And, I Don't Look Especially Happy About It, Either
Aah, the joy of blood thinners. I nicked myself shaving, and I look like I was shot between the eyes with a small calibre handgun.
I tell you, my body is a living special effect!
SOURCE: Les Pages aux Folles
WHAT WHAT THE REPUBLICANS MEAN ACTUALLY SAYS: "Gun violence? Pfft - You're On Your Own..."
WHAT REPUBLICANS SAY: "Now is not the time to politicize the shooting."
WHAT REPUBLICANS MEAN: "Now is not the time to jeopardize my NRA campaign contributions over the shooting."
SOURCE: Politics For Dummies
Their Social Studies Classes Analyzes Margaret Atwood's A Handmaid's Tale As A How-to Manual
The Liberal government of Ontario is looking into Catholic high school students in Hamilton getting credit for volunteer hours by attending anti-abortion prayer demonstrations. Their "social activism" involves standing in front of blown up images of aborted fetuses looking innocent.
The Liberals shouldn't be surprised. "Taking Women's Rights Back To the 12th Century" has been part of the curriculum at Catholic schools in the province for decades.
SOURCE: NOW and THEN
The NDP Needs To Be More Than The Liberals Before They Had Been In Power Long Enough To Be Thoroughly Corrupted
"How Singh must grow his party to fulfil his promise"
- Toronto Star
SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines
When He Says "Second Amendment Rights," He Hears "Unlimited NRA Funding Rights"
What Do You Hear? Other Than Gunshots, I Mean...
Subbing for the empathy-impaired President, robotically empathetic but undeniably silver-haired Vice President Mike Pence told a crowd of nearly 300 people outside Las Vegas City Hall that the mass shooting "was a tragedy of unimaginable proportions. Those we lost were taken before their time, but their names and their stories will forever be etched into the hearts of the American people."
When he was asked to name one of the victims and tell their story, he responded, "Hunh?" When given a second chance to name one of the victims, he replied, "Yeah, not going to play gotcha journalism with you. I have to get back to Washington to make sure that the pathetic efforts of the Democrats at dealing with a small part of the problem don't in any way undermine our second amendment rights."
SOURCE: The Podunk Mash & Enquirer
The Last Hand Of Three Door Monty Has Been Played
Monty Hall, the host of the game show Let's Make a Deal has died at the age of 96. I guess he was curious to see what was behind door number one...
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
It's An Improvement Over Last Week's Episode, Where The Crowd Revealed The Murderer To Be The Brain - At Least She's A Real Person!
10pm. CBS. Wisdom of the Crowd. Jeremy Piven stars as a tech expert who develops an online platform used to publicly share information to help solve murders. TONIGHT: the death by penguin inhalation of a prominent California seashell seller by the seashore seems to be suicide, but when the question is put to the online community, it appears to be a murder committed by Greta Garbo.
SOURCE: Ukrainian TV Guide
The Creators Of South Park, All in the Family And Chappelle's Show Knew
The Jury's Still Out On Jay Z
A small independent game studio has decided not to release a computer game called Dirty Chinese Restaurant. The game, which features players chasing cats and dogs with a cleaver, scavenging for ingredients and dodging immigration officials was widely denounced as racist.
Geekly News & World Report interviewed one of the executives of Big-O-Tree, the company in Toronto that developed the game, at the Dragon Pearl Restaurant. The very clean Dragon Pearl Restaurant. We were tempted to point out the irony, but that would have required a whole other discussion that we felt would distract from the point of the controversy.
GEEKLY NEWS & WORLD REPORT: You originally claimed that your game was 'satirical.' What did you feel was satirical about it?
ANONYMOUS BIG-O-TREE EXECUTIVE: It was full of stereotypes.
GN&WR: Brutal stereotypes, yes. How did that make it satirical?
AB-O-TE: Stereotypes are funny.
GN&WR: To people who believe them. But, stereotypes by themselves don't make something satire.
AB-O-TE: They don't? What does, then?
GN&WR: There has to be implicit criticism of the stereotypes or the sort of people who believe them.
AB-O-TE: Are you sure? I see stuff all the time that's called satire even though it doesn't do that.
GN&WR: While I wouldn't disagree, that doesn't justify what you did. It just shows that a lot of people don't understand what satire is.
AB-O-TE: Hunh. Satire has to have a critical component. Who knew?
SOURCE: Geekly News & World Report
If He Wasn't So Busy Trying To Start A Nuclear War With North Korea, President Trump Would Have No Qualms Telling Them Where To Park It
In retaliation for the United States ordering Russia to vacate its consulate in San Francisco in retaliation for Russia ordering the United States to reduce its diplomatic and technical staff and close two compounds in their country in retaliation for the United States seizing two Russian compounds and expelling 35 diplomats from the US, Russia reduced parking spaces for American diplomats in St. Petersburg and Yekaterinaburg. Could limits on paper clips and staples be America's next move?
We have no idea. A request for information entered the event horizon of the black hole that is the American State Department, likely never to be heard from again.
In England, By Way Of Contrast, We Give Them Cabinet Positions
"The only thing they have got to do is clear the dead bodies away."
- British Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson suggesting that the Libyan port of Sirte has the potential to become the next Dubai
SOURCE: No Comment Quotes