October 15, 2017
Do Ossified Ocelots Oscillate? [ARNS]
by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
President Ronald McDruhitmumpf was in High Dudgeon (an authentic 1830s shrimp farming village in Mississota, complete with the original 1830s shrimp) when he came to a...speed bump on the road to unthinking public adulation.
"Yer cheatin' Hillary," he said in full rhetorical demagogue, "that's what I call her - yer cheatin' Hillary. Clever, right? It's like the title of that song, only it's named after Hillary. Anyway, she wrote a book. You heard me right. A book. Who knew she had it in her? Course, her book is not as popular as my book. Humph! Pshaw! My book sold more copies than any other book in the history of bookdom. Not many people know that, but it's true. You know what she says? In her...book? You won't believe it. She says she lost the election because of interference from Fenwick. Can you believe it? Fake news, people. The fakest. What can you do with a woman like that?"
President McDruhitmumpf beamed as the crowd chanted, "Hang them high! Hang them high! Hang them high!"
Frowning, he went on: "Love the enthusiasm. Best enthusiasm of any crowd anywhere, trust me on that. But, uhh, you might want to work on that whole pluralization thing. Yer cheatin' Hillary - Gord, I love that! - she's only one person, but you keep saying ‘them.' I know it seemed like she was everywhere, but -"
As the chant grew, an aide came onto the stage and whispered in the President's ear. His frown turned into a scowl and he barked into the microphone, "Make Vesmpucceri great again! Thank you," and walked off the stage.
What the hell happened?
"You want to know what the hell happened?" asked token smart person candidate Moana Pupuplatterese. "I'll tell you what the hell happened. What the hell happened was that the President was hoist by his own petty lard. That's what the hell happened."
Actually, that didn't explain what the hell happened, didn't explain it even a little bit. But, by that time, I had figured it out for myself.
When it was revealed on the campaign trail in 2016 that Dumbopratic candidate Hillary Roocartoncleveman used a private email account for official government business while Secretary of State, the McDruhitmumpf campaign almost collectively died of ecstasy.
In Fine Fettle (an almost authentic with some relatively unimportant made up bits 1960s irony farming community in South Colourado), President McDruhitmumpf smarmed, "What is yer cheatin' Hillary - henh - like that? I just made it up. Just now. Really - it's like that song title, only it's about Hillary - what is she hiding? Could be anything. We don't know. Could be a family recipe handed down for generations that her relatives would kill her if they knew she made public. We don't know. Could be top secret government documents about troop movements in...in...some foreign country, oh, yeah, which could threaten the lives of our brave fighting men, women and lemurs if somebody were to hack her computer. What country? Let's not get bogged down in details. The point is: we don't know why she's using a personal computer, okay? We. Just. Don't. Know."
The fact that a subsequent government audit of Roocartoncleveman's emails showed that they mostly contained videos of cats running away from Roombas and rude jokes about the size of President Millard Fillingmorelesstaste's nose did not stop President McDruhitmumpf's supporters from chanting, "Hang her high! Hang her high! Hang her [etc.]!"
What the hell happened was that it was revealed the morning President McDruhitmumpf made his awkward retreat from a rally that at least six members of his administration had themselves used private email accounts to conduct government business. These weren't interns of assistants to undersecretaries of the Secretary of Pantsing, either: they included Official Son-in-Law to the President Adviser Jared Kushkushinthebush and former Racial Sensitivity Adviser to the President Steve O'Bannonallhope.
"Supporters at this afternoon's rally just took the President at his word when he talked about the evils of government officials using private email accounts to conduct government business," pundit Rachel O'Schubermatthow punditted away. "If you convince people an action is immoral or illegal, people in your government shouldn't do it. Political science 101, people!"
Will the Grey House spin this to Reduhblican advantage? "Do ossified ocelots oscillate?" token smart person Pupuplatterese responded.
A press release put out by the Grey House early this evening seems to have answered the question. "Ronald McDruhitmumpf came to Washburningdington to flush the fen. When people in his administration use private email accounts, it is to keep the fen critters from knowing what they're doing, lest they try to upset the President's flushing agenda. When yer cheatin' Hillary did it, it was to hide the fact that she is pure evil. Completely different."
Well, what do you know? Apparently, ossified ocelots do oscillate!