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Chapter 29
August 13, 2017

The Daily Me - our reputation precedes us.com

Thank you, our reputation precedes us.com, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we read about a study that showed that one in five sausages sold in Canada were not as pure as claimed on the package. Seven of 27 beef sausages contained pork. One of 38 "pure" pork sausages contained horse meat. Of 20 chicken sausages, four also contained turkey and one beef. Five of the turkey sausages had no turkey at all - they were entirely made of chicken.

And, we thought, We'd still rather know this than watch how legislation in Washington gets made!

The Daily Me Staff

Everybody Except Reporters From Fox and Breitbart, Who Seemed Gopher Before A Python Mesmerized

According to President Donald Trump, America's deteriorating relationship with Russia is entirely Congress' fault. "Relations with Russia at all time low," he tweeted. "worse then CMC. sanctions bill 2 blame. #losinglosersofloserville."

When asked if maybe, you know, there was an outside possibility, hypothetically speaking, that Russia's meddling in the 2016 election might, perhaps,possibly, maybe have contributed to the poor relations, Trump kept chanting, "Losing losers of Loserville! Losing losers of Loserville! Losing losers of Loserville!" until everybody got bored and went away.

SOURCE: The Podunk Mash & Enquirer


"That, And Her Hair Never Made Sense To Me..."

Tilda Swinton has reportedly turned down the opportunity to play Tilda Swinton in a docudrama about European art house cinema in the 1990s.

"I couldn't get a grasp of the character," Swinton, who has played everybody from Bob Dylan to god, explained. "I understand that she is a versatile actor who has played everybody from Bob Dylan to god, but I couldn't get a handle on what she was like off the set."

SOURCE: Imaginary Movie Database


Independents Are The Only Ones Who Are Realistic: They Expect That They Will be Ignored, And...

Differences between American political parties, #237:

REPUBLICANS make promises nobody expects them to keep.

DEMOCRATS explain why the Republicans' promises can't be kept, but nobody expects anybody to listen.

SOURCE: Politics For Dummies


I'm Gonna Need A Brace For The Semantic Whiplash

"Nuclear threat affects us all" - Toronto Star

"Pedestrian countdown clock encourages bad behaviour" - neighbouring headline in the Toronto Star

SOURCE: Billy-Bob's International House O' Headlines


It Takes A While To Get The Pen Made And Shipped From China

Although the President has agreed to sign a bill passed by Congress that imposes tough new sanctions on Russia for its perceived meddling in the 2016 elections, he has yet to do so. Surely, he could use the pen that he had in hand to sign a health care repeal and replace act to sign the sanctions bill?

"Ooooh, no," the President responded. "That was my Obamacare repeal and replace pen. I need a Russia sanctions pen to sign this bill." When asked why he didn't use his Russian sanctions pen to sign the Russian sanctions bill, the President explained that he didn't have one because he didn't anticipate needing it.

"It's only a matter of time before I get it," the President assured the public. "Trust me..."

SOURCE: The Postington Wash


When They Start Putting Armed Guards On The Doors To First Class, You'll Know They're Amping Up Their Overtures To Hollywood

QUESTION: When I fly economy class, why do I have to pay a fee to check my bags or choose my seat? Why are all of the seats built to perfectly fit a six year-old? Why does paying for a ticket months in advance still not guarantee me a seat on my flight? Passengers in first class don't have to deal with these problems - why should I?

ANSWER: Modern airlines are auditioning for the lead in the sequel to the film Snowpiercer.

SOURCE: Economics For Dummies


That Will Leave A Lasting Scaramucci

It usually seems unworthy to kick a man when is down. But, when the man is Anthony Scaramucci, it seems less like a shame and more like a duty.

People who follow the goings on in Washington and those who are affected by them (which, let's be honest, is everybody) like to think that the dialogue in the West Wing is written by Aaron Sorkin. Unfortunately, in a single ill-considered interview, Scaramucci revealed that it's actually written by David Mamet. But, if Scaramucci is Ricky Roma, does that make President Trump...Dave Moss? It would be nice if he suffered the same fate as Shelley Levine, but that's just wishful thinking.

Note that Scaramucci wasn't fired because his profane attacks reflected poorly on the White House; Scaramucci is the man Donald Trump hopes to become if he ever grows up (I know, I know: given his success so far, why would he?). He was fired because an actual badass - a General - took over and wanted nothing to do with him.

What have we learned from this fiasco? When in doubt, punt? To avoid gum disease floss regularly? Sometimes, the best course of action is to just clean up the wreckage of the train and find another route home...?

SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism


Unfortunately For The Country, The 1960s Television Reference Had Left The Building

Around 70 per cent of Canadians believe that the government should not have settled the Omar Khadr affair with a $10 million payout. Over 60 per cent of Canadians believe that it was wrong of politicians who oppose the Khadr payout to say so in American media.

Canada went back and forth between the two positions several times before finally shouting, "Help me, Landru! Landru, help me!"

SOURCE: The Irrational


The Day The Music...Found A Better Delivery System

The iPod Shuffle has died of Advanced Technological Sclerosis complicated by Obsolescence Syndrome. It was 12 years old.

Curiously, it's cousin, the iPod Nano, has died of the same symptoms. Some people believe that the two technologies had a suicide pact that they set in motion when competition from newer technologies, especially cellphones, gave consumers a more popular way to digitally store music they could carry with them. Others believe that Apple, which fathered the technologies, couldn't bare to see their market share deteriorate and decided to pull the plug on them.

Rest in peace, iPod Shuffle and iPod Nano. Preferably not in landfills.

SOURCE: Obits 'R Us


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Welcome, Science Fiction Fans!

If you came to Les Pages aux Folles curious about my writing thanks to science fiction or fan fiction, welcome! You can find the complete text of Alternate Reality Ain't What It Used To Be, +

Welcome Back My Friednishes To The Show That Never Ednishes

I now have a Facebook author/fan/whatever you want to call it page: Ira Nayman's Thrishty Friednishes. Go, look around, like it if you feel so inclined and feel free to leave a comment. I have only just started it, so it may be a little sparse at the moment, but I will add content based on what people post they would like to see. Within reason.

Would you be interested in immortality?

The Alternate Reality News Service (ARNS) has two advice columns: Ask Amritsar, a column about love and sex and technology, and; Ask the Tech Answer Guy, a column about +