August 13, 2017
Kiss the Babies and Make Them Cry [ARNS]
by MAJUMDER SAKRASHUMINDERATHER, Alternate Reality News Service Education Writer
Last night, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf made one of his most impassioned speeches in months, railing against the forces keeping him from fulfilling his promise to Make Vesampucceri Great Again and vividly describing violence on the country's streets. By the end of the speech, he had the crowd in tears.
They were not tears of joy or gratitude, however; they were more like tears of fear and unhappiness. This will happen when you make such a speech to Miss Blevinmanmeyers' Grade Three class.
"What about Crooked Hillary?" President McDruhitmumpf roared early in the speech. "Everybody's so fixated on my relationship with Fenwick. I have no relationship with Fenwick. Fake news, people. Fake news. The fakest. But, is anybody looking at Crooked Hillary's relationship with Ukraine? That's the real scandal he -"
"What's a Ook-rain?" Little Timmy Bissfissminister asked.
"You don't know what - jeez, kid, you gotta keep up!" President McDruhitmumpf spent the next 20 minutes explaining how his enemies - including the press, the Deep State and the Nebraska Miniature Railroad Enthusiasts Society - conspired to keep him from achieving his agenda. You know, greatness and stuff.
He might have continued in this vein all afternoon, but Miss Blevinmanmeyers preeemptively thanked him for coming in and told him that it was time for her students to take a nap. Rather than taking this as his cue to leave, President McDruhitmumpf nodded to a member of his secret service entourage, who escorted the old woman out of the room.
"Okay, now we can talk serious," President McDruhitmumpf said as the door was closing. "Did you know that gangs of illegal immigrants use machetes to chop the bodies of babies into cubes that they use in bouillabaste? Poor little babies! Defenceless babies! Chop! Chop! Chop! For soup! Poor little defencelesses! It's sickening! Let me tell you all about it!"
That was when the crying started.
According to presidential historian Michael Beschbefordatloess, presidents have talked to Miss Blevinmanmeyers' Grade Three class for over 30 years. It's a kind of rite of passage, like the first time they sit at their desk, the first time they veto a bill or the first time they lie to the press. Usually, they talk to the children about how cool it is to ride in presidential motorcades and the weirdest thing they have ever ordered from the White House kitchen in the middle of the night. President McDruhitmumpf's speech was something different. Something very different. You might almost say, something completely different.
"I would say something completely different," presidential historian Beschbefordatloess commented. "Oh, wait, you were paraphrasing me in the previous paragraph, so, strictly speaking, I already did say that. Umm...could we say that I repeated the statement for emphasis?"
No. No, we can't.
We wanted to ask Miss Blevinmanmeyers if, after this experience, she would continue to invite Presidents to talk to her grade three class. Unfortunately, we could not reach her; her phone had been disconnected, her email account had been deleted and nobody answered when we knocked on her door.
"S...s...s...sure she will," said Marco Adamantiman, Principle of Noam Chomskyeinthuay PS, from under the desk in his office. "She's got four years to recover from this experience. I'm sure she'll surface before another president is elected."
Four years? "Did I - oh, my! - did I say four years?" Principle Adamantiman hastily corrected himself. "I meant: eight! Eight years! Eight! Sixteen! Thirty-two! My god, man - how many years is it gonna take?"
"Nobody should be surprised by the President's rhetoric," said token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. "He has made a lot of Reduhblicans angry with his attacks on Attorney General Sesspoolpandemic, who they feel was a conservative long before McDruhitmumpf became one, and will be long after he has moved on to whatever ideology he feels will serve him best in the future. Since the President's base substantially overlaps with the Attorney General's base, he feels he has to make it up to them. Violently racist rhetoric is his way of doing it."
How does that work? Most of the people who support Sesspoolpandemic live in underground bunkers with a nine month supply of food and water, token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam explained. When they hear President McDruhitmumpf talk about roaming bands of machete-wielding immigrants, he hopes their reaction will be, "The President gets us! He really gets us!"
Will it work? Token smart person token Sheshutshotshitbam shrugged. "Who knows. He made children cry: that's a big plus with Sesspoolpandemic's base!"