May 21, 2017
The Daily Me - Dana Perini-Scleroso
Thank you, Dana Perini-Scleroso, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, According to former Republican Congressman Zach "We Are Not Making Up This Name, Just This Nickname" Wamp, President Trump's firing of FBI Director James Comey will not erode his support among Republicans in Congress, but if further investigation shows "any attempt to cover things up, or to try to take actions to help the administration stay out of trouble," Congress will quickly distance itself from him. This set of Republicans? Seriously? This bunch of supine swine? These servile reptiles? This cowed crowd? It will be a decade into their careers as crossing guards for a local elementary school before any of them will admit that their unwavering support for Trump was maybe, perhaps, a little bit of a, you know, a mistake. Careerwise. Assuming that by that time there are any elementary schools left to be crossing guard for!
The Daily Me Staff
PS: This is not meant as a knock against all the hardworking men and women who help little children across busy city streets every day. Would it kill you to smile at one of these unsung heroes when you drop your unholy monsters off at school?
Pepe, We Hardly Knew Ye
Pepe the Frog has died at the age of 11. The cause of death appears to be complications from Extreme Internet Meme Mutation Syndrome. Over the past three years, Pepe had mutated from a comic book character beloved by youngsters to an Internet image beloved by white nationalists, neo-Nazis and other members of the so-called alt-right. Pepe's creator, Matt Furie, decided not to keep the cartoon frog on life support. Pepe's final public appearance will be in an open casket in cartoons posted in comic book shops.
SOURCE: Obits 'R Us
Unfortunately, The Brexit Vote Is A Fixed Point In Time, So His Actions Are Severely Constrained
The largest global banks in London plan to move as many as 9,000 jobs to the continent in the next two years as a response to England's Brexit vote. Standard Chartered and LPMorgan Chase & Co. are the latest global banks to outline their plans to flee England as soon as is practical.
"Not to worry," British Prime Minister Theresa May stated. "We still have Dr. Who!"
SOURCE: Wall Street Infernal
Hawking Radiates Warmth, Doesn't He?
Renowned physicist Stephen Hawking has revised his doomsday forecast for humanity: instead of saying that most of us are going to die at some point in the future, he has now made the claim that all of us are going to die, sooner rather than later.
"It. Is. In-ev-it-able. Rea-lly," Hawking commented. "Fa-mine. Di-sease. Glo-bal War-ming. Ar-ti-fi-cial in-tell-i-gence. Ba-na-na peels. No-bo-dy is safe!"
Other scientists could not dispute Hawking's statement. They weren't sure how helpful it was, though.
SOURCE: Scientific Canadian
Historians Dispute Whether His Orders At McDonald's Should Count
Donald Trump has boasted that he had signed more Executive Orders in his first 100 days than any other president. That's not as impressive as it sounds. After all, half of his Executive Orders were replacements for Executive Orders that had been overturned by the courts!
I Am Groobs...I Mean, I Am Groop...Err...
So, my boyfriend and I went to the theatre to see the French-Yugoslavian-Atlantian co-production Court My Yak! Do I have to explain that it was a compromise and neither of us got the film we really wanted to see? Do I have to further explain that I read about this technique in a magazine whose advice I'm really beginning to question?
The Canadian premier of Guardians of the Galaxy was playing at the same theatre. Their booker must have been on crack when he arranged that! Some of the characters, like Rockie Rabbit and Grrob were there, as was an actor I had never heard of. Naturally, my boyfriend wanted to see the movie even though you had to have won an invitation in a radio contest. Then, just as he was getting used to the idea that he would have to see the movie on opening night like everybody else...
Grroob turned out not to be some kind of tree freak at all, but a guy in a tree freak suit. I started laughing...until I saw the horror on my boyfriend's face. We ended up having to go home without seeing anything and watch a Firefly marathon. In the dark. It may take a few days, but I think he'll be okay.
At least, I hope he'll be okay...
SOURCE: Jennifer's Brain Blorts
Justice Is a Dish Best Served With A Nice Chianti
When asked about what he would do if he was presented with a terrorist, Philippine President Rodrigo Duterte replied, "Give me salt and vinegar and I'll eat his liver." Even citizens of a small maritime nation have to settle when it comes to the war on nouns (terror division).
YOU WANT: Elliott Ness
YOU'LL SETTLE FOR: Frank Drebin
YOU'LL GET: Hannibal Lecter.
SOURCE: The Amazing Chocolate Yummies Blog
Morgan's Female Fan Base Not Impressed
Piers Morgan recently decried the "new trend of male public soul-bearing." Then, to prove that the former tabloid journalist wasn't part of this trend, he swore at a nun and put his fist through a bathroom window. He was immediately taken to the emergency room of the nearest hospital, where his hand required seven stitches.
"Jesus, Mary and Joseph!" Morgan was heard whinging as he was admitted. "Panes of glass aren't supposed to shatter that way! You never see that happen on television! You - aww, bloody hell, that hurts! And, why is there so much blood? So much blood! Will somebody please put a tourniquet on that to stanch the bleeding bleeding!"
SOURCE: Entertainment Right Now
The Russian Foreign Minister Is A Lot More Limber Than He Looks
Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov and Ambassador to the United States Sergey Kislyak met with American President Donald Trump in the Oval Office of the White House. They had a very productive meeting in which Lavrov beat Trump and Kislyak at naked Twister. Then, they smoked a joint and watched Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle.
What, American reporters dispute our version of events? Were they there? Ha ha ha.