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Chapter 13
April 23, 2017

The Daily Me - Otto Mann-Umpire

Thank you, Otto Mann-Umpire, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, we cheered when President Trump refused, once again, to release his tax returns just because millions of Americans took to the streets demanding it. The United States wasn't founded on the idea that leaders have to be accountable to the public for how they enrich themselves while in public office! Or, for that matter, listen to the will of the people!

Why, yes, as a matter of fact we got a d-minus in civics class. Why do you ask?

The Daily Me Staff

Ask Not For Whom The Bell To - No
To The Victor The Spoil - Definitely Not
Necessity Is The Mother Of - Oh, Damn! Don't Knock Tired Cliches - They're Harder To Apply Than You Might Think!

Arkansas planned to execute eight men in 11 days because one of the three drugs in its cocktail was set to expire at the end of the month. Arkansas Attorney General Leslie Rutledge defended the decision by saying, "You know, I've always believed in the old adage 'Waste not, want not.'"

Two different judges halted the executions. Pulaski County Circuit Judge Wendell Griffith ruled, "Haste makes waste." Meanwhile, Federal District Court Judge Kristine G. Baker ruled, "Shouldn't we be considering the taking of human lives with more than tired cliches?"

Rutledge is planning on appealing the decisions. Especially Judge Baker's.

SOURCE: USA Whenever


I, Personally, Have Mangled The English Language In More Creative Ways Than Any Other President In The History Of Presidents, And, Yes, I Include George W.!

"This has been the greatest first hundred days in the history of any President in the world, let me tell you. The greatest. The absolute greatest. By any yardstick, any measurement, the greatest. How do I know it's been the greatest? Because we managed to complete our first hundred days in only eighty-seven days. Greatest. Greatest ever." - Donald Trump



His Fan Base Is Mostly Senior Citizens?

Punk rock pioneer John "Johnny Rotten" Lydon has come out in favour of American President Donald Trump, saying that, "he terrifies politicians and this is a joy to behold."

Do you need any more evidence that punk is dead?

SOURCE: LotsMusic


Inanity Is The Spicer Of Life

Imagine that you have a job explaining to the press the latest actions of the Deplorable in Chief. It happens to...well, not the best of us, but certainly those who are...not completely, irredeemably, down to the bone awful, anyway. What do you do? You can rise above your boss and be honest with journalists. Or, you can be Sean Spicer.

To justify the attack on a Syrian air force base, the Trump administration decided on the time-honoured tradition of demonizing the object of their attack. Unfortunately, they're very bad at it. While it's true that the US didn't use chemical weapons in World War II, it ignores the fact that the country used chemical weapons with gleeful abandon in Vietnam; just ask the natives who were burned to death by Agent Orange. On the other hand, the US did drop two atomic bombs during WWII, as any of the people who were vapourized by them can attest. Oh, and if that wasn't bad enough, it's worth keeping in mind that the Germans didn't kill people in the death camps by drowning them in rose petals and well wishes.

In violation of the first rule of getting out of holes, when Spicer was challenged, he continued: "The media has mischaracterized my recent statements on the Assad regime. It was not my intention to imply that Hitler had never used chemical weapons, but that he never used them on fellow Germans." Is he saying that the millions of Jews living in Germany who died in the camps had faked German passports? Boy, somebody must have made a killing!

Figuratively, I mean.

SOURCE: Karl's Big Red Web Page of Unreconstructed Marxism


If You Doubt his Values, Just Ask The Women He Paid Off To Keep His Family And Religion

Okay, so, at the top of the show I told you I had an exciting announcement to make. Exciting. Right. So, here it is: I'm about to go on the vacation I have always taken around this time of the year for the first time. To spend time with my family. Because it's Easter. Because, you know, I'm all about family and religion. I'd like to tell you that this vacation has nothing to do with what my lawyers have advised me it would be in my best interests not to talk about in public, but I can't. Because my lawyers have advised me it would be in my best interests not to talk about it in public. If you'd like to guess where I'm going, go to my Web site. It costs you nothing, and what the hell? Your guess is as good as mine...

SOURCE: The O'Meilly Factor


If You Need Any Help Dealing With The Media Fallout, Call Us - We May Know One Or Two Things About It!

We would like to thank Nivea for the deodorant ad that depicts the back of a woman with long black hair and the caption "WHITE IS PURITY."

We've been saying that for years, but but do you think anybody listened to us?!!!!!

SOURCE: Bigots Without Borders


Trump Is His Own Man - And He'll Go Ballistic If Anybody Says Otherwise!

Last week, the US engaged in much sabre-rattling (so-called because shaking the entire Buffalo NHL team is crazy aggressive) against the Republic of North Korea.

"Kim Jong-un is a crazy man," President Donald Trump said. "I mean, look at his hair. No world leader with hair like that can be trusted with nuclear weapons! So, we are working with China - which is being very cooperative when they're not trying to tell me how things are going to be - to limit the North Korean threat to the countries the United States cares about. Like, the United States."

Then, a North Korean missile test exploded shortly after launch. "Kim couldn't get it up?" President Trump chuckled. "Why am I not surprised?" After a moment's reflection (of Steve Bannon in a mirror in the back of the room), Trump soberly added: "But, uhh, that doesn't mean that Kim isn't a, uhh, long-term threat. Yes. Very big threat. Yuge. Must take him very seriously. Okay? Seriously. Okay."

SOURCE: The Postington Wash


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