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Chapter 13
April 23, 2017

Headlines Wanted Everybody to Have a Good Time.
Then, Chuck Started to Dance...

A Policy Of "Erratic Impatient Tantrums" Should Work Much Better

"U.S. Takes hard line on North Korea
Secretary of State Tillerson says 'policy of strategic patience has ended,' leaving open the possibility of military action" - Globe and Mail

You Give Me The Headline, I'll Give You The War

"War against war needs ceasefire" - Toronto Star

"Fierce drug-war opponent faces arrest on drug charges" - Toronto Star

Why not a war on warming?" - Globe and Mail

"Trump White House escalates war on media" - Toronto Star

"NRC calls for war effort to spur innovation" - Globe and Mail

"Shutting down Saudi-led war on oil prices" - Toronto Star

"Reid: Deal puts an end to civil war that has gripped company's top ranks" - Globe and Mail

"Messaging war heats up as tech companies get serious
Google, Apple launch latest apps with new, improved functionality" - Toronto Star

"Drones Preserve Sites Imperiled by War" - New York Times

"Civil war intensifies between two unions" - Toronto Star

"The softwood war is back. Prepare for a long fight" - Globe and Mail

"Divided they stand
This wasn't a presidential election, it was a civil war" - Toronto Sun

"City council eager to slow 'War on Fun'
Politicians might need to send bureaucrats a clearer message if they want to keep our patios" - Toronto Star

"Women becoming victors in war against Twitter trolls" - Toronto Star

"Pope Is Firm in Proxy War With Knights" - New York Times

"THE WAR ON SECRECY" - Toronto Star

As Britain prepares to leave the EU, London's financial district is under threat as other cities try to woo companies on the continent. The biggest contenders, Paris and Frankfurt, have drawn up major campaigns as they wage war for the spoils" - Globe and Mail

Political Scientists See A Full-blown Trend
Ordinary People See Empty Plates

"Austerity in Brazil, but Not for Officials" - New York Times

"In Xi's China, Legislators' Wealth Soars" - New York Times

Nobody Knows How The Rose Nose Grows While Sniffing Strohs - Somebody Stop Me, Or I Could Do This All Day!

"Can GOPro's COO stop the flow of record lows?" - Toronto Star

No Amount Of Spin Will Make A Crazy Policy Sane
It Will Just Make Customers Dizzy

"McDonald's, nuts and mixed messages
Company that won kudos for answering customers' tough questions faces marketing challenge in wake of change to nuts policy" - Globe and Mail

Canada Looks At Boiling Pot Of Water It's In And Asks, "Would You Settle For Al Dente?"

"Mexico asks Canada to stand firm on NAFTA" - Globe and Mail

Are Headline Writers Even Trying To Pose A Challenge To Satirists?

"Will Donald Trump listen to good Canadian reason?" - Toronto Star

Not If Your Plan Is To Timidly Say: "Nice Ink"

"Should I speak up when I see Nazi tattoos? - Globe and Mail

Producers Admit That There's A Problem, Argue That It's Nothing To Lose Sleep Over

"Melatonin users should prepare for bottle shock
Researchers find 71 per cent of the products they tested did not match label claims" - Toronto Star

But, Can Team Arrow Spare Her Long Enough To Make A Difference This Season?


If You Can't Afford To Buy Bottled Clean Air, You Deserve To Get Emphysema

"Carbon taxes another cash grab" - Toronto Sun

You Don't Have To Be An AI To See What's Wrong With This Headline

"A1 Institute? Think national" - Globe and Mail

I Laughed So Hard, I Forgot To Renew My Party Membership!

"Policy should drive the NDP leadership race" - Toronto Star

Because Trouble Is Not The Canadian Way

"Be a rebel, but don't be a troublemaker" - Globe and Mail

As Anybody Who Has Tried Online Dating Can Attest

"There's more than one way to be a DRIP" - Globe and Mail

Yes - By Asking Questions That Divide The Movement

"Are Liberals Helping Trump?" - New York Times

Communications Is The Key To Functioning Organizations - Your Columnists Should Try It Some Time...

"My employee takes disruptive breaks. What do I do?" - Globe and Mail

"Learn how to lead your unleadable employees" - Globe and Mail

They Don't Already Have Enough?

"Cops hope more victims come forward" - Toronto Sun

Trump Considering Xi New Bestie
Furious Putin Wants His Friendship Ring Back

"China clamps down on sources of dissent
As President XI charts a more authoritarian course, members of 2,000-person advisory board are afraid to complain or call for reform" - Globe and Mail

And, The Award For "Headline Most Likely To Make Readers Run Screaming From The Room Where They Were Reading The Newspaper" Goes To...

"Biebs explains wet patch at groin" - Toronto Sun

Can't Find Country On Map
Claims That's What Embassy Staff Are For

"GOP donor on Trump's radar for ambassador to Canada" - Globe and Mail

Boy, If I Had Money To Invest, I Wouldn't Know What To Do With It After Reading The News!

"Revenue challenges await new Torstar CEO" - Globe and Mail

"Torstar earnings on the rise in fourth quarter" - Toronto Star

The Election Of An Economic Ignoramus Was A Flare Against The Night Sky

"Renegotiating NAFTA doesn't signal the start of a trade war" - Globe and Mail

Some Headline Writers Don't Grammar Good

"Pharma stock swallow loss after Trump's pricing tweet
New plan to stir 'competition in the drug industry' is in the works, U.S. President says" - Toronto Star

If It's Any Consolation, Not Goodly Grammar Happens To Everybody

"Why the oil patch may the feel pain from shipping's dirty little secret
New global marine-fuel standard will hurt producers of high-sulphur crude" - Globe and Mail

To Crash The Country More Quickly?

"Canada's elites could use a crash course in populism" - Globe and Mail

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