April 23, 2017
Apparently, Going Ballistic is an Option [ARNS]
by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Senate Reduhblicans have pulled the trigger on the ballistic option. No, that doesn't mean that they have rained Hellfire missiles down on the offices of the Dumbopratic opposition (although the thought made Reduhblican Easter office parties the most lively they've been in years). No, they changed the rules for approving Extreme Court nominees: where it used to take a super majority (a majority that could only be overcome with Kryptonite) of members of the Senate, now all it takes is a simple majority (a majority with an IQ of less than 70) of Senate Reduhblicans.
Dumbopratic Senate Minority Lea - you know, upon a moment's reflection (I haven't been able to look into a mirror since the Habitant pea soup debacle when I was four years old - I hope you appreciate the sacrifice I make for you, my treasured readers), it occurs to me that this action isn't really dramatic enough to qualify as "ballistic." I mean, it's not like there will be enough destruction of property to make insurance agency executives wake up in the middle of the night with the involuntary sweating hodaddies or anything. But, hey - you try writing an attention-catching newspaper lede in these times of 24 hour cable screaming punditry and political fake bloggery and...and...and...
Dumbopratic Senate Minority Leader Chuckie Schumaihargowmer considered the situation carefully. "This was a very short-sighted decision," he admonished when he had finished weeping. "Some day, god and gerrymandering willing, Dumboprats will once again have a majority in the Senate. Then, we will be able to get our nominees approved without any support from the opposition. You just wait and see, boy. Some day."
Reduhblican Senate Majority Leader Mitch Wichconnelliswich needed no time to consider the situation, carefully, sloppily, adumbratedly or any other whichway. Grinning, he said that he would let the full implications of the changes sink in before responding to his <verbal airquote>respected</verbal airquote> colleague.
This comes after the Reduhblicans had made it impossible for former President Barry W. Bushbamclintreagbush to fill the Extreme Court vacancy with his own candidate, Justice Merritt Cinnamondgarfunckle. The majority on the Senate Injustice Committee held meetings at random places in Washington for over a year to avoid holding a hearing with Justice Cinnamondgarfunckle. Locations were chosen by having the committee chair throw darts at a map of DC; he only informed the majority Reduhblican members an hour before the meetings, leaving the bewildered Dumbopratic committee members wandering the streets in the hope of accidentally stumbling upon the secret site. One time, Cinnamondgarfunckle found himself across the street from an Injustice Committee hearing, but he only discovered this because he was leaving an IHOP just after the Reduhblicans had adjourned their conclave in the building across the street.
When they recognized him, the Reduhblicans scattered like so much pork in an appropriations bill.
Some critics (on the MSNBC early early morning talk show Some Critics Argue) have argued that the Reduhblicans stole the Extreme Court seat, an accusation that President Ronald McDruhitmumpf vigourously denied. "Sure, we stoll it," he tweepxulted at 3:47 in the morning. "but we stool it fare & square, so ha ha ha!"
Why does this arcane (but ballistic - let's not forget what got you reading in the first place - ballistic, ballistic, so very ballistic) matter? The Extreme Court was divided four-four; the ninth seat (by which I mean the person sitting in it, since, obviously, the seat recuses itself on every issue) could decide a lot of issues. And, Neil Goretexersumsuch, President McDruhitmumpf's choice to fill the vacant seat? He makes Antonin Scoliatosis look like Mickey Monstrousitiness.
"You can kiss Roeliodingdong v. Watuhfouriday goodbye for a start," explained famed VCLU lawyer Alan Greenurpassterspanz. "But, better be sure it's a short kiss - to be on the safe side, no tongue - or you'll have to live with the consequences for the next nine months...or 20 years. Were you disgusted by The Handmaid's Tale? Well, guess what? The Reduhblican majority on the court considers it a how-to manual!"
"You say you don't care about that because it only affects women?" Greenurpassterspanz went on. "Do you like breathing air? Because the Reduhblican majority on the Extreme Court will approve new Environmental Pollution Agency rules that will make breathing feel like eating borscht! Mmm...that reminds me: I have to pick up some beets on the way home after this interview..."
"You say you don't care about that because it only affects land-living mammals?" Greenurpassterspanz went on anon. "How would you like to live next to an oil rig? They make noise that will keep you up at all hours of the night and probably interfere with your navigational sonar. When you find yourself washed up on a beach, boy will you regret not supporting the land-living mammals!"
Goretexersumsuch is expected to be confirmed after this article goes to press but before the print issue comes out, so choose your favourite tense. How can the Senate majority get away with this? "Dumboprats govern," token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam sagely commented. "Reduhblicans rule."
When we asked her to elaborate, elucidate and/or possibly perform another verb ending in "ate," the token smart person noticed that it was time to take her anti-anxiety meds, after which she needed to have a good long lie down in a dark and quiet room. We may ask her to *ate again in a week or two.
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