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Chapter 8
March 19, 2017

The Daily Me - Melanie Eleni

Thank you, Melanie Eleni, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, Amal Clooney gave a speech about some stuff at a place that was probably important. We were so smitten by her loveliness that we really didn't pay much attention to it. But, can you blame us? She glowed with the beauty of expectant motherhood. Honestly, her fecund gorgeousity was so powerful that we felt ourselves start lactating! And, most of us aren't even girls!

Okay, okay. It was something about...human rights. Stopping ISIS. Something. At the United Nations. Maybe. Probably. Oh, come on! Like you care about something other than what she was wearing!

The Daily Me Staff

It Should Be Easy Enough To Prove - All The President Has To Do Is Make His Death Certificate Public

President Donald Trump tweeted in the middle of the night that previous President Barack Obama had the CIA assassinate him during the election campaign. "he wannted me dead, and now I am. Sad. Sick. maybe Even a little weird- what do I know?"

The next day, Trump enabler Kelly-Anne Conway cautioned his critics that they shouldn't criticize him for tweeting out of his ass because their asses don't have the wealth of information at their disposal that the President's ass has. "Has your ass been briefed by the CIA or the Joint Chiefs of Staff? I didn't think so. So, your ass isn't nearly as well-informed as the President's!"

When asked if it was hard for her to wake up in the morning not knowing what craziness she'd have to defend in the course of the day, Conway responded, "You have no idea!"

SOURCE: The Postington Wash


The Cure Is More Cowbell.
We All Need More Cowbell!

Vice President Mike Pence used private email to conduct state government business while he was the governor of Indiana. Then, Republicans investigated, excoriated and otherwise did nasty things beginning with a vowel to Hillary Clinton, especially during the election, for using private email to conduct federal government business.

The Absurd Ironyometer keeps promising itself that it will stop watching the news, but its attention keeps drifting back there. It's a sickness, really.

SOURCE: Big Alex' Domesday Countdown Page


Hard To Believe That Such A Small Piece Of Cloth Can Contain Such A Large Mixed Message

SOURCE: T-dot ts


Resistance Radio Is Futile

Hrumph. Hunh. Yeah, so, there's this thing on the Internet called "Transistor Radio..." "Resistance Radioactive..." something like that. Whatever. Name's not important. Many of you have taken to social media to denounce the station's anti-Nazi message as another libtard plot against President Trump. It's a good impulse, and...and...and you should always go with your impulses. But, here's the thing, people. You may be going too far when you say that it shows just how out of touch libtards are. Why? Hunh. Rumph! Well..."Resistance Radio" - okay, that's what it's called - is a promotion for a TV show called The Man in the High - know what? It doesn't matter what it's called. Names're just detritus data. The point is - the point is, when you assert that libtards are divorced from reality by protesting an ad for a TV show as if the show is real, you kind of make everybody in the movement look like idiots. So, good try. But, please stop it. Stop it right now!

SOURCE: Rush Limburger Home Page


What? Death Not A Strong Enough Punchline For Ya?

Local stand-up comedian Steve Shuster has died at the age of 66.

That's it. He's dead. There's no joke here.

Seriously? You can't let a stand-up comedian's death go without a punchline? He was a human being, for goodness sake! More or less. Broadly defined. Okay, he was a stand-up comedian. Still, there is the spark of humanity even in that poor breed. Have some respect!

Still waiting for - hunh. Tough crowd.

Okay. Local stand-up comedian Steve Shuster has died at the age of 66. His glassy-eyed delivery may actually be improved by the career move.

I hope you're satisfied. Heartless bastards.

SOURCE: Obits 'R Us


It's Fun, Fun, Fun, Til Your Daddy Takes The Nuclear Codes Away

Putins Just Wanna Have Fun

The President sends a middle of the night tweet
That's nonsense, but to his base is very red meat
Oh, Donald, dear, you've got the world on the run
And Putins just want to have fun
Oh, Putins just wanna have fun

Across Europe, and even in France
Elections are subject to interference
Oh, Nathan, dear, why are you looking so stunned?
And Putins just want to have fun
Oh, Putins just wanna have fun

That's all they really want
Some fun
When democracy is done
Putins just want to have fun
Oh, Putins just wanna have fun

Some leaders take a beautiful world
And twist till international order's unfurled
Against this NATO doesn't have enough guns
And Putins just want to have fun
Oh, Putins just wanna have fun

SOURCE: Poetry, Cornered


The President And The Press Need Couples Counselling - STAT!

TUESDAY: But to accomplish our goals at home and abroad, we must restart the engine of the American economy - making it easier for companies to do business in the United States, and much, much harder for companies to leave our country. Right now, American companies are taxed at one of the highest rates anywhere in the world. My economic team is developing historic tax reform that will reduce the tax rate on our companies so they can compete and thrive anywhere and with anyone. It will a big, big cut. At the same time, we will provide massive tax relief for the middle class. We must create a level playing field for American companies and workers. Have to do it.

"Oooh. Look at him. Isn't he so serious, so...presidential? He may have his facts wrong - oh, so very wrong - but I think he's finally left his youthful race-baiting, fear exploiting, bad boy ways behind him and become the man we elected to lead us."

FRIDAY: Terrible! Just found out that Obama had my 'wires tapped' in Trump Tower just before the victory. Nothing found. This is McCarthyism!

"Dammit! I can't believe I fell for the whole fake gravitas thing again! He is who he is - when will I learn to accept that and move o - hey, did you hear his latest speech?"

SOURCE: Politics For Dummies


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Welcome Back My Friednishes To The Show That Never Ednishes

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