February 19, 2017
The Daily Me - Nick Kouvalis
Thank you, Nick Kouvalis, for signing up for The Daily Me. Our search engine has combed the Internet for up to the minute news items that fit the profile you have so painstakingly filled out for us. Then, we weighted the probability that you would be interested in these articles against forms which showed what people with tastes similar to yours have liked reading in the past. And, then, "Get a laptop," everybody said. "A laptop will make your life easier," everybody told us.
Yeah. Laptop. Right. A desktop computer's CPU can fry, causing you to lose all of your data. A paper notepad can be stolen, causing you to lose all of your data. A laptop manages to combine the worst features of the two.
Thanks, everybody who says things!
The Daily Me Staff
This Valentine's Day, Show Your Abusive Husband How Much You Love Him By Setting Him On Fire
In its infinite wisdom, the Russian Duma has passed a law easing the penalty for women who set abusive husbands on fire in their beds while they sleep. As long as the immolations don't cause permanent death or other severe outcomes, the crime will now be treated as a mere misdemeanour with far fewer and less severe punishments.
Some men have objected to the new law on the grounds that being set on fire hurts. Hurts a lot. They obviously suffer from false consciousness. After all, research has shown that men who have been set on fire - well, the ones who survive, in any case - have more male offspring than those who remain flame free, and isn't populating the country with a new generation of strong male leaders more important than a few third degree burns and possible loss of feeling in your extremities?
See Donald Trump Run
Run, Donald, Run
See Donald Win
Win, Donald, Win
See Donald Run...The Country Into The Ground
Stop, Donald, Stop...Somebody...Please...
Sales of Dick and Jane primers have skyrocketed since Donald Trump was elected President of the United States. "We can't keep them on the shelves!" enthused bookseller Dmitri Sonavidies. "Really! The fire Marshall has warned us that we'll be fined if we can't thin the crush of wall to wall bodies in the Children's section of the store!"
Why would this particular book be so popular so long after it was published with so many people who are so not its intended audience? "People want to understand how Trump thinks, don't they?" Sonavidies sniffed. "Obvious, really."
SOURCE: Unread Book News
The First Take Is The Deepest
ANNOUNCER: The following voice is not that of an actor and -
REAL PERSON: What? Are you saying I can't act?
ANNOUNCER: No, that's not -
REAL PERSON: Because York Drama was the best 13 weeks I ever spent at school!
ANNOUNCER: No, no - we just want you to come across as a real person. Don't...worry about the introduction, okay?
REAL PERSON: Oh. Okay.
ANNOUNCER: Okay. Ahem. The following voice is not that of an actor and the speaker was not paid to -
REAL PERSON: NOT PAID? ARE YOU SERIOUS? You think I would say any of the [EXPLETIVE DELETED] you want me to say for nothing?
ANNOUNCER: Look, this is an advertisement, not a personal testimonial.
REAL PERSON: My point exactly!
PRODUCER: (sighs) Okay, stop tape. We obviously need to rewrite the copy of this ad.
REAL PERSON: Got that right!
PRODUCER: Thank you for coming in. When we have new copy for the Truth in Advertising spot, we'll let you know.
SOURCE: This 22 Minutes Feels Like An Hour
Warren Rolls Her Eyes, Tries To Pretend She's Not The Only Adult In The Room
At 3:07 in the morning, Donald Trump tweeted about how disappointed he was that Mitch McConnell censured people who did not contribute to Washington's culture of civility. "Senate leader attacks my freedom of speech! Loser loser loser! For shame!"
The next day, McConnell held a press conference first thing in the morning to reassure the President that he was not the person McConnell had been referring to. "It was that economics slut Elizabeth Warren!" he clarified. "Honestly! She tried to read a letter on the Senate floor written by an anti-racist crusader about the racism of the President's racist choice for Attorney-General! I can't allow that kind of incivility!"
At 3:01 the next morning, Trump tweeted, "Senate leader's confusing call for civility makes me make myself look bad. #youcandobetter #loserloserloser"
SOURCE: The Postington Wash
I Hate TO RCMP On Your Parade, But...
The Royal Canadian Mounted Police have refused to conduct a review of how they handle sexual assault cases, stating that allegation of bias against it are unfounded.
Well, that's exactly the problem, isn't it?
SOURCE: NOW and THEN
Having Blacks In The House Again Will Feel Like Old Times
The United States mint has announced that it will be issuing a gold coin featuring Lady Liberty as a black woman. This is human right progress? Although it will have a face value of $100, the gold in the coin will make it worth about $1,000. The only people who will be able to afford it will be rich, and a large majority of them are white!
I hope they'll at least let black people come to their homes once in a while to celebrate how far they've come.
SOURCE: Bill's Bitter Pills
The Solution May Seem Extreme, But Nine Out Of Ten Russian Women Swear By It
Dear Advisor Anne,
My husband Philbert has an obsession with Donald Trump. Like, seriously. Our radio alarm is set to Rush Limburger's show. He watches Fox News while we eat, argue and make love. And, it's very distracting while we're eating. Not only that, but he's on his phone while he's watching the television. Sometimes, it gets so bad that he can barely bring his fork to his mouth, poking himself on the chin, cheek and, once, the forehead.
I've done everything I can think of to get his attention away from the President. I've worn lingerie that's more an idea of underwear than actual clothing, but he was too busy watching Trump's twitter feed to notice. I started doing that thing to him that he asked me to do after he read about it in some Mexican magazine years ago, but he stopped me when a report onDemocrat obstruction of President Trump's foot fetish secretary nomination appeared in CNN. Don't even ask about the heroin fiasco.
Do you have any suggestions on how I can deal with this?
You wouldn't happen to live in Russia, would you?
SOURCE: The Inquiring National Star