February 19, 2017
Is It Hot as Hell in Here, Or is it Just - AAAAAAH! OOOOOOW! AAAAAAARGH! [ARNS]
by ELIAZAR ORPOISONEDHALLIWELL, Alternate Reality News Service Environment Writer
It was a typical speech to the Oil Grower's Association of Texas that featured one of President Ronald McDruhitmumpf's favourite themes: global hot as hellification is false science news propagated by the Communist government of Slobonia and traitorous Vesampuccerians to force the country to bankrupt itself buying solar panels. The fact that he could not name a single Vesampuccerian traitor and that there is no such country as Slobonia was only of interest to the dwindling number of people in this idiotocracy (government by the stupidest) who clutched for dear life to "facts."
Just as he was getting to his favourite part (although how valuable that description was is open to debate, given that everything the President says is his favourite part), about how solar panels kidnapped and ate the babies of random dingoes, President McDruhitmumpf's hair caught fire.
"I thought it was a halo," said Mignon Duprelecilly, who had attended the outdoor rally with his wife Piotr. "Swear to glob, it looked like the President was filled with the holy spirit. Then, he started screaming. Not speaking in tongues, mind, just hollering like an animal in intense pain. Then, that there Vice President Michael Pendenatendance strode onto the stage - slowly, deliberately, cause that's his way - and sprayed President McDruhitmumpf with a fire extinguisher. I tried to convince myself that it was holy foam blessed by the Pope hisself, but when the paramedics ran onto the stage with a stretcher, well, I knew that something weren't quite right..."
President McDruhitmumpf was rushed to The Nearest General Hospital where, after being given the third degree by the admitting nurse, a second degree black belt treated the first degree burns over 63 per cent of his head.
Scientists are divided over what happened. Those who believe that President McDruhitmumpf's hair is natural suspect that something in the gel he uses to keep it at an unnatural angle ignited in the intense sunlight. Those who believe his hair is an artificial construct - possibly of alien origin - believe that something in the headpiece itself spontaneously combusted.
Whatever their differences, 97 per cent of scientists agreed that global hot as hellification was definitely to blame for the...tragedy might be an overstatement...let's go with bad thing that happened. (The other three per cent were too busy watching The Big Bamboo Theory to respond to the survey.)
"Nonsense!" retorted (in the legal rather than scientific sense) Press Secretary Sean Spirochetericer. "First, the President's hair did not catch fire. Second, if it did catch fire - which it didn't - it had nothing to do with global hot as hellification: it was because he fell asleep while smoking in bed!"
Spirochetericer is allergic to follow-up questions - they make him break out in aggressive rhetoric - so he called on a different journalist for the next one. Her question was about whether it wouldn't be better to build a moat along the border than a wall - it would certainly boost the Florida alligator industry. This meant that Spirochetericer never did have to explain how the President fell asleep in a bed while giving a speech in a stadium in Texas.
Later in the same press scrimmage (with all of the grunting and bodies flying in all directions and concussions that the league refuses to acknowledge that that implies), Spirochetericer suggested that anybody who wanted to know the government's position on global hot as hellificiation could find it on the government's Web site. Now, I'm a trusting soul. I went to the government's Web site. Several hours later, I had not found any information on the issue, but I did have to swear allegiance to the country at least six times and sign several documents that make Microsquish's End User Licence Agreement look like flash fiction.
I can hear President McDruhitmumpf laughing from his hospital bed.
At 3:07 in the morning, the following tweep appeared on President McDruhitmumpf's official Twitherd account: "Slobonia pres Glump used space-based magnifying glass to attack me for stand on phony GhaH. lol Loser!"
Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam responded, "Does anybody have a paper bag? Paper bag, anybody? Anybody? I'm not kidding, people: I'm really gonna be sick, here!"
The President is expected to make a full recovery. The environment, not so much.